Mariah Carey, Irreverent TV, and a Search and Destroy Mission

And all of the sudden, Christmas is 12 days away.

I suppose I had fair warning back when holiday decorations started to mix in with the halloween costumes at the local Meijers, but, regardless, 12 days seems incredibly close.  Incredibly close in the surprising way, like when somebody sneaks up on you.

Basically, what I’m trying to say, is that I haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet.

But I have compiled a list of Scroog-ey Pre-Christmas Opinions.  Scrooge?  Why yes, that title has been attached to my person by several sources to date, thank you.  Normally, I might take offense to negative label as such, seeing as I see myself as more the sanguinistic-cheerfully-optimistic type (thank you GRE vocab…), but, after some serious self-reflection, eh, whatever.

And now, onto the Scroog-ey Pre-Christmas Opinion List:

Decorations: Larger than life snowmen, santas, and reindeer… If it weren’t some sort of destruction of property felony, I would be sorely tempted to go on a search and destroy mission directed towards these inflatable yard monstrosities, or as I have titled them:  the arch enemies of “classy”.

Christmas Music: Dear pop stars, there are extremely few Christmas carol remixes that sound remotely musically pleasing.  [If you must produce a holiday melody, take a cue from Evan Taubenfield and write an entertaining spoof filled with pop references and directed towards the ever lovely taylor swift]. Love, Alissa Jean.  Thankfully, these syrupy Christmas covers are easy to avoid, if you don’t listen to the radio or go shopping, ever.  Which brings me to my next point.

Shopping: Obviously, I have been doing a great job of avoiding it thus far.  I understand some people get a rush out of scouring stores and finding the absolutely best deal on the best present for the best person in their best life, and then standing in a long line and battling crowds and almost dying in a packed parking lot and then being so excited that they forget how to drive once they are finally back on the road.  Personally, it just gives me a headache.

Tiger Woods: Who would have thought that he would show up on my blog.  Sorry, but when some *colorful descriptive* is taking up prime time space on more than half of the TV’s at my gym ALL THE TIME, I reserve the right to complain about him on my site.  Excuse me, but when did his lack of condom use become a national headline?

Christmas TV Specials: The thing to do this year is make fun of religions.  The Office, 30 Rock, and Community, all made valiant efforts this past Thursday; Community definitely came out on top.  Making fun of religion is a delicate thing to do.  You don’t want to be so offensive that you get in trouble, but you want to be irreverent enough to be humorous.  Nice balancing act, writers.

Runners: Note, I only make fun of runners because I want to be one of them.  An injury is currently preventing that, so mocking the winter joggers is the best I can do from my lofty elliptical machine.  Anyway, the point of this point is that those hard-core runners who choose to run in the worst of conditions, look kind of goofy.  Sure they get mad props for braving the elements, but they should also get mad props for their outfits that they put together to prevent frostbite while maintaining mobility and the sweet slip and slide moves that they add to their cadence while dealing with the ice/ slush/michigan winter mush.  And by mad props, I mean, potentially negative points on their psychiatric evaluations.  *sigh* I miss running.

Winter Gear: I despise being cold.  However, my situation [living in Michigan] means that there is a good chance I will be cold.  Enter Winter Gear.  I imagine that preparing to venture out into Winter is similar for dressing for battle.  I imagine this because, while I’ve never actually dressed for battle, I’m pretty sure they wear lots of stuff.  When I go outside in the winter, I too wear lots of stuff.  My favorite outfit is something like leggings, fleece pants, two pairs of socks, a couple shirts, a hoodie, my winter jacket, a flannel/faux fur bomber style hat, mittens, and a scarf, not forgetting, of course, my big fluffy boots, with the fleece pants tucked in.  Responses to this outfit thus far:  Russian, Ghetto, Alaskan, and You Look Warm.  That’s the idea people.  Not sure what was meant by ghetto.  Moving on…

Finals: There are many clues that can used to identify the fact that it is, indeed, holiday season.  The decorations, the music, the snow, the fact that it is now permissible for little kids to sit on some strange man’s lap at the mall… And of course, the number of sleep deprived college students in the local coffee houses, IHOP’s, and libraries.  The deep set eye circles give them away.  Well, that and the triple espresso they just ordered to go with their pile of books and it’s-been-a-couple-days-since-I’ve-showed vibe.  For college students, Christmas means a couple things.  First, BREAK!  Second, getting through finals before break.  Personally, I’m all graduated, but I can pretend.  I think I pull off the I’m-in-the-middle-of-killing-my-finals look quite well, thanks.

and finally, get it, finally, finals…..

Salt: Once upon a time, Jesus told his followers that they were the salt of the earth.  Well.  I appreciate the whole melting of ice thing but really, dear Christ followers, please stop destroying my boots, shoes, pant hems, floors, and exercise equipment.  Thanks.  [okay, that wasn’t too irreverent, was it?]


WHEN IT REALLY COMES DOWN TO IT… I do love the holidays, really, I do.  Don’t let my scrooge attitude fool you, you’ll still find me humming Christmas carols and staring in complete awe of Christmas lights’ soft glow.  I’d just prefer that the carol be sung by someone other than Mariah Carey and that the Christmas displays exclude inflatable barf.  That’s all.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Much Love from your favorite red head :o)

One thought on “Mariah Carey, Irreverent TV, and a Search and Destroy Mission

  1. Every point you made earned an “oh yes… very wise” and I was happy I visited.

    PS Your leg is still not recovered?? 😦 I still want to run with you one day. 😮

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