man. why do i think so much? lately everything has been running through my head at about a million thoughts a minute. ok thats a slight hyperbole, but you get the idea. and the thing is, it’s like i try and think about everything at once. multiple trains of thought, crashing. like yesterday, i was saying a rosary in the adoration chapel, and i was thinking about my grandpa, my friends, what i ate for breakfast, and when i was gonna work out next. focus. right. so here i am, writing, because some of this stuff just has to spill and sometimes things make more sense when it’s written out.
it sounds cliche, but when somebody dies it really makes you think about your own life. i decided that i am not satisfied with who i am, not nearly, not in any area. God has so much to do in me, but am i letting him? i feel like i’ve got things together and then at the same time feel so frustrated with everything. this summer has been such a wierd experience for me. it has been so great to be home, with my friends and family, and it’s shown me just how much i love everyone. i know i was supposed to be here but at the same time have felt really unsettled. it feels like things are changing and i don’t have a whole lot of control over the process. i think i’m changing, but i can’t quite put my finger on how. part of it is that i feel pretty unattached, to anything. i mean, i’m “home” but i’m not even in my own bedroom anymore, i’m going to austria real soon, but who knows what i’m actually gonna do over there, i’m going to amu now but who knows beyond that, i’m working, but my schedule is different every week, jobs are different every few months, i’m going to church but even that is wierd because i go wherever/whenever depending on work, i’ve got all my friends here and i’ve got all my friends at amu, but they’re changing too and all of our lives aren’t going to be on the same path forever. and how can i expect to really know them when i can’t seem to fully know myself? i feel like i should have a more definite direction in my life but i also feel like God just wants me to trust him and take it step by step. wait and see. how long? but the thing is, it’s not just “wait and see”. it’s taking action, stepping out in faith, living life, making decisions, not just sitting there waiting for a blue print which will never arrive. it’s like an active waiting, doing things but but always ready for the next signal to do something else. so yeah, that’s a stretch for me! some of my friends made committments to the work of christ community earlier this year. i respect that so much and at the same time do not think that i am in a position to make that same commitment at all, at least not now. some of them have spent the whole summer in service and are going to be living in household this next year. i hear that am just like – wow, i don’t know if i could do that. i don’t know what it is, but it’s like i’ve developed this aversion to rules while at the same time realizing how absolutely vital structure is. (on a side note – do you realize that it is impossible to get a away from stucture? structure is completely inescapable. if you try and leave structure and decided to just do your own thing, you have actually created a new structure.) but yeah, rules. man. the best advice that i’ve heard this summer has been from the people who have told me to keep making time for God. one friend encouraged me to spend time in adoration whenever i can; my parents have really been encouraging me to go to mass with them as much as possible. God is so good and his grace is so abundant in both places! i’ve got to make time for it though. i’ve becoming pretty obsessed with being healthy and working out (don’t know if any of you picked up on that ) and i’m still not satisfied and i think i’m finally coming to a point where i’m not satisfied with myself spiritually either. kinda pathetic how focused i can be on the physical and so comparatively apathetic about the spiritual. but yeah, *i am not satisfied with who i am*!
well this is definitely the longest and most serious post i have *ever* written. i think i’ll stop now. yeah. that felt good.
there’s always a better way, there’s always a bridge that needs crossing, there’s always the straight and the narrow, the wide and the shallow, but i know that you’re guiding me, and the best is yet to come, you’ve given me hope for tomorrow, and i know someday
i’ll wake up to find, your glory divine, and i will finally bow at your feet, i will lift up your name, in honor and praise, when i cross over jordan, i know that i’ll be running home to you